24/7 D/s

The 24/7 D/s Lifestyle

by Master Paul and slave monique

The term “24/7 Dominant/submissive lifestyle” is often used to describe intense relationships in the Scene, but in fact it means far more than that. It’s not just about two people living together with kinky sex adding spice to their lives. Rather, it’s about a committed relationship in which a power exchange shapes and pervades all of the partners’ interactions. The submissive willingly and consensually cedes control and authority to the dominant. The dominant takes responsibility for that control and for making all the conscious decisions within the relationship. While the submissive may voice a dissenting vote, the dominant always makes the final decision.

What that means on a day-to-day basis has often been a controversial and heated subject. But it need not be. Within the D/S framework, each couple must shape their own relationship. What is right for one couple isn’t necessarily right for another. We live a 24/7 D/s Master/slave relationship. Our relationship is not necessarily any better than the next couple’s and should not be judged or even emulated—unless it meets your needs. However, because ours has been so successful, and because it reflects many of the more traditional values of this approach, many have asked us to explain how we perceive this lifestyle. So it is our approach—our perceptions and relationship—that is the basis for all the definitions in this article.

At the outset, it’s important to understand that a 24/7 D/s lifestyle should not be a goal for everyone in the BDSM community. It’s just one variation on the many ways in which D/s themes can be integrated into one’s life. This sort of lifestyle can take tremendous effort. It is not inherent in most people and, therefore, not right for everyone. However, for those who gravitate towards it, we hope that our values and experiences can offer some useful guidance.



D/s Definitions

To us, a 24/7 D/s lifestyle means that the relationship is lived twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. There is no time out, no time off. It is not a series of S/M activities, done either in private or the confines of a safe environment but distinct from our larger sense of life’s realities. Rather, the power exchange dynamic and sexuality are an integral component of our identities and an ever-present reality in our lives. Some people have 24/7 D/s lifestyle relationships that do not even include S/M activities. Acts, per se, do not define the lifestyle relationship; the lifestyle relationship is defined by the power exchange dynamic and how it is applied. In this lifestyle, being dominant or submissive is not a “role” that starts and stops at specified times. It is intrinsic to our nature and how we identify ourselves all the time relative to each other and our relationship. Consider these definitions:
bullet Being a dominant is a personality trait, in contrast to acting as a top, who is the one who controls a scene. A person can top without being a dominant. Both are different from being a master, who is a person who owns someone.
bullet Similarly, being a submissive is a personality trait, in contrast to acting as a bottom, which is one who is controlled in a scene. One can bottom without being a submissive. A slave, on the other hand, is one who is owned, one who has turned over most if not all of his/her rights to someone else.

Thus, to us, being a top or bottom refers to limited activities. Being a dominant or a submissive refers to who you are, intrinsically, and how you relate to a partner from deep within your soul.

Lifestyle dominants are people of power and authority who are consistently able to control their own and their submissives’ lives. They find such power deeply fulfilling, seeing themselves as protectors, instructors, and even “parents” to their submissives. This reflects their strong sense of personal responsibility.

Lifestyle submissives often experience a lack of fulfillment in the absence of a caring dominant in their lives. They have a fundamental desire for control shown through discipline, rewards, and punishments. They often feel control as a confirmation of love and commitment.

In 24/7, the dominant and submissive roles within the relationship are permanent. The partners do not switch roles with each other. While the dominant or submissive may have



24/7 D/S Lifestyle

role-playing switch experiences outside of the relationship, playing top or bottom, they do not switch within the relationship. Thus, the line in the sand between their roles is clearly drawn. Neither do the partners view these roles as options from which they can walk away. There is a high level of commitment to the relationship and the lifestyle.

Submissive vs Slave

The range of supervision, which may or may not be sharply erotic, varies widely. The dominant may manage using general guidelines or a detailed agenda. Micro-management may control even mundane activities, such as when the submissive sits, eats, speaks, moves, etc. Some people consider the defining line between a submissive and a slave as the extent to which the person is controlled, i.e. how many aspects of the person have been surrendered and are micro-managed. Although such micro-management is common, it is not the defining difference. Instead, we characterize a slave by several other elements.
bullet First, a slave is one who turns over everything—personal rights, freedom of choice, property, etc.—to another person. The master may not choose to exert control over all of these areas but retains the right to do so.
bullet Second, a slave’s deep desire to serve, particularly to serve a master, is not transactional. That is, a slave serves without expecting specific recognition in return for any particular act. Thus, the slave views service as act of devotion. This is not to say that the slave should be treated as a doormat. Certainly the dominant should appreciate the slave’s surrender of power. However, slaves expect their personal needs to be met within the power exchange through the master’s knowledge of their desires, rather than through specific requests.
bullet Third, beyond following instructions, a slave performs tasks not bidden by the master, by reading their master’s actions and moves, thereby getting inside the master’s mindset to further fulfill and serve the master better. While this does not work in every instance, slaves try as hard as possible to interpret the master’s desires in order to serve to the fullest extent of their abilities. Intrinsic to this process is treading a fine line between service and intrusiveness—knowing when “enough is enough.”



Making it Work 24/7

Obviously, a 24/7 D/s lifestyle relationship is far more demanding in many ways than vanilla or even other styles of BDSM relationships. The intensity of the power exchange is present every minute. How can couples make this work smoothly and in a way which both will find gratifying?

Communication, honesty, trust, commitment and responsibility must be the bywords of such relationships. An ongoing flow of communication is essential for the survival and flowering of the relationship. There must be no secrets. The submissive, in particular, has little or no privacy and must be totally open about feelings. The type of trust needed between the partners goes far beyond anything normally seen in vanilla relationships.

Mistakes do not damage the fabric of the relationship, they may strengthen it. In particular, when a dominant makes mistakes, he does not lose face. Human imperfection is universal and must be accepted. Indeed, a dominant often openly acknowledges a mistake to maintain trust. In a slave’s eyes, a strong dominant is one who can show vulnerability without fear of judgement. Slaves should know their place, continue to serve and be a comfort to their masters through the difficult periods in life. Both are equal, albeit on different levels within the relationship.

Some couples develop significant rituals, such as how the submissive will prepare the dominant’s bath or breakfast every morning and greet the dominant at the end of the work day. These are important bonding rituals that also help reinforce the power exchange.



Benefits for the Partners

The giving and receiving of intense physical and psychological control provides immense pleasure in the lives of dominants and submissives involved in these relationships. The gratification derived from the constant awareness of power roles can be intellectual and emotional, as well as erotic.

The absolute honesty and openness between the partners can yield enormous confidence in oneself, in each other, and in the relationship. It may yield a unique mental connection. The submissive frequently knows what the dominant wants even before an instruction is given.

The clear delineation of power often frees the individuals in social and business situations. For example, because the submissive has given her power to the dominant, she has no reason to cede power to anyone else. So the submissive may become more assertive and effective in other areas of life. Many submissives report becoming very strong as a result of these relationships.

Sexual and sensual openness also bloom. Both partners have the freedom to shed all inhibitions. Problems from other areas of the relationship are less likely to intrude on sexuality because anger/disobedience are dealt with elsewhere, in the proper context. Thus, aggressions can be acted out in a positive way through sexuality.

Because the limits of both the dominant and the submissive are clearly known to each other, safewords are rarely if ever used in 24/7 D/s relationships. They are unnecessary when a dominant easily recognizes the body language and emotional cues of the submissive. When used, the safeword serves as an emergency notification of information, not a withdrawal of consent. Exploration and pressing of limits is often done with a specific purpose, to help the submissive grow as a person, rather than simply to push performance.



Roadblocks and Problems

One of the primary roadblocks on the path to a 24/7 D/s lifestyle relationship is the lack of role models to help either the dominant or the submissive understand the dynamics and what works in such relationships. Relatively few couples really lead this lifestyle. The guidance of experienced lifestyle couples as mentors and counselors can be invaluable, especially if problems arise.

However, even when role models are available, the partners must individualize their relationship, to reflect their own personal values and needs, especially to take into account the physical or psychological limitations of one or both partners. Such groundwork is essential to avoid unrealistic expectations. The partners should be clear at the outset that they share an understanding of what the relationship will be. What will be the level of micro-management? What personal freedom will the submissive retain? What will daily life be like? They must discuss and agree upon near, if not identical, understandings of these and other critical D/s issues.

Ego problems can also trouble the relationship. Submissives may become defiant about the extent and type of control or feel that their personal goals are not being valued. If the submissive does not have a well-developed sense of self, personal identity struggles may re-emerge. One way to tackle such problems is to seek out other slaves, who understand the unique issues and problems, for help in reaffirming goals and ideals. Or the slave can turn to a kink-aware psychologist who can help resolve the inner ego turmoil without imposing vanilla relationship standards. Dominants who lack empathy and understanding may take the submissive’s service for granted in what is called the “doormat syndrome,” thereby dooming the relationship to eventual failure.

Vanilla-world life also can place pressure on the relationship. These relationships are hard to “hide” because the power exchange dynamic between the partners is ever-present. Although our society generally endorses long-term, monogamous relationships, D/s lifestylers often face the opposite: shunning or condemnation, especially by clergy, health care personnel, and government agencies. The devotion of their relationship may be misinterpreted as abuse. The couple may find themselves on the defensive with family, friends, business colleagues, and others.

Deciding how “out” they want to be with family and friends is an important decision for the couple. Being out certainly eases the burden of trying to hide the dynamics of the relationship. However, when vanilla family and friends do not understand or disparage the power exchange dynamic, they often try to interfere, such as by recommending what behaviors should not be tolerated. The partners should work together to develop techniques for deflecting criticism while still maintaining the dynamic. This can be done through simple rituals. For example, while in the presence of family, the submissive can still choose to sit at his/her dominant’s feet, doing it in an unobtrusive way.

While there are no easy solutions to these problems, working together to deal with them may ultimately serve to bring the couple even closer together.



Recognition of the Commitment

As a society, we acknowledge the need for symbols to recognize relationships. In BDSM, the collar is the symbol most often used to signify the commitment in a D/s relationship. However, a “collar” can take many forms and does not necessarily have to be worn visibly around the neck, especially when it will draw undue comment from family or colleagues. Other forms of recognition that can serve a similar function include tattoos, cuttings, and brands.

Although a collar has many different meanings in the Scene, it may be synonymous to—or carry even greater weight than—a marriage vow for those involved in a 24/7 D/s lifestyle. For submissives who wear a collar at all times, it is a powerful everyday reminder of the bond between the dominant and the submissive. For others, although it may be removed physically for practical reasons, such as to go to work, it is never removed emotionally.

For monique, her collar is a constant reminder that she is owned and taken care of. She takes pride in wearing the collar, and it brings comfort to her when her dominant is away at work or elsewhere. For Paul, the knowledge that he holds the key to the hasp that locks the collar around her neck is an ever-present responsibility that he has willingly taken upon himself.