What are "LIMITS"? (and a bit about *safewords*)
What are "limits"? Limits are activities that you are either unfamliar with, anxious or fearful about or that you do not want to engage in. Both Dominants and submissives have limits and the most important consideration in BDSM is discussing them and being certain that the activities you engage in are consensual for both parties involved.
I am often asked by newcomers, "How do I know what my limits are when I haven't done this before?" This is where open communication is key. And in order to reach that "open communication", you must get to know someone... this takes TIME and effort, patience and understanding and trial and error.
I also often hear, "It embarrasses me to discuss this with someone I don't know very well..." And I always want to say something like, "No kidding." But instead of that rather "snippy" remark, let me explain that if you don't know someone well enough to talk about what you like/want/need/desire then you certainly don't know them well enough to DO these things with them.
Let me also say that BDSM is entirely different than "making love or having sex" from the vanilla point of view ... it is like learning this "birds and bees" stuff all over again... and that means from the dom/me's or the submissive's point of view. There are no "set standards" as to what is involved in BDSM (including D/s). There are as many "kinds" of relationships as there are people participating in some fashion. And limits vary as widely as the people and the individual relationships involved.
There is no "normal" BDSM (or D/s) relationship... but all should be based on Safe, Sane and Consensual. For some in this lifestyle/lovestyle bondage is all they are interested in and "sex" isn't part of what it is that they desire at all. For others, sexual activities are engaged in, with varying degrees of power exchange (or "control") being a part of the structure of the relationship.
Some folks want the stimulation of pain, some want to "give" pain to a willing partner and some don't. Also true is that some folks don't want "control" or power exchange to be a part of what they do; they are simply interested in the physical aspects and not the mental aspects... usually these people define themselves as "bottoms" and "tops" rather than master/slave or dom/me and sub.
Another thing that beginners don't usually realize is that limits can change over time. For instance, some folks have told me that they would enjoy a spanking but can't imagine feeling "real pain" from a whipping or paddling... that is more of a "degree" of pain. Spanking involves pain, but usually to a lesser degree than many other activities. Pain tolerance can be built up for some people and others are squicked (bothered in the extreme) by even the thought of pain.
This is a very diverse lifestyle, and in order to enjoy yourself, you have to extend yourself a bit... at least in the form of being totally honest, asking questions when you don't understand something, and talking and negotiating before trying out any kind of play. Ask plenty of questions before playing with someone... ask if they've done this activity or had RT experience with whatever it is you are considering. NO question is stupid unless you don't ask it. And never, EVER, pretend you understand something when you don't.
Be absolutely certain that your partner understands what the safewords will be and what exactly they mean; do not assume anything... take the time to discuss everything. Safewords are only as good as the trust you have in your partner; they are not some magic way of stopping something that you cannot deal with. And a note about a dom/me telling a submissive that *safewords are not necessary* (or some version of this statement): Do not even think about meeting someone who says something like this because they do not respect you, and they do not understand what this is about, namely: Safe, Sane and Consensual. A Dom/me, regardless of how experienced they *say* they are, should always abide by the safety precautions and limits of their partners... ALWAYS.
It is my feeling that the more you discuss and communicate with each other (and that means both parties talking and listening), the more chance of a successful scene/session and/or relationship there is.
Update for 2001: Every once in awhile, I re-read my older essays to see if my thoughts could be better expressed... or if I've had a change of mind or if I've learned something new about a subject. And, I have learned something new since this was written.
Some activities that I enjoyed with one BDSM partner I haven't enjoyed with another partner. My term for this is limits that are *partner specific.* I think this is important to keep in mind for beginners that are learning as well as those with experience (who should still be learning <wink>). This discovery came as a surprise to me and I am positive that I'm not the only slave to have that experience.
I want to stress that there are a lot of things that affect one's limits on a day-to-day basis--which will come as quite a surprise to the newcomer. Not feeling well, being over-tired, having a stressful time with work or family or friends... all of these things can affect one's pain tolerance. This is something that new dominants may not realize, and may get pretty annoyed with until they understand it. Another factor is hormones (this holds true for male or female) and all these things must be considered at the time of the session. It is absolutely necessary for both parties (dom and sub) to be totally open and honest about how they are feeling at the time of a scene and to be sure both are on the same page, physically and emotionally.
Another thing that I should have discussed in the original version of this article is about communicating a safeword when one is gagged and unable to speak coherently. In such case, a *safe gesture* can be used, such as dropping a ball that the dominant has placed in the submissive's hand, or a set of keys. I personally recommend something that makes noise when dropped (especially if the dominant is new), in case the dominant somehow misses the fact that the object was dropped. Merely relying on a different sort of muffled sound from the submissive is not safe for beginners and please keep this in mind.
At this point, I am going to stress the importance of getting a copy of Jay Wiseman's book: SM101, which discusses how to assess limits and how to play safely as well as a thousand other topics on the general subject of BDSM. There is no better book and it is one that you will refer to time and time again. You can find this book at most major bookstores (sometimes it will have to be special-ordered), or you can find it online at various vendors, such as amazon.com.
I am often asked by newcomers, "How do I know what my limits are when I haven't done this before?" This is where open communication is key. And in order to reach that "open communication", you must get to know someone... this takes TIME and effort, patience and understanding and trial and error.
I also often hear, "It embarrasses me to discuss this with someone I don't know very well..." And I always want to say something like, "No kidding." But instead of that rather "snippy" remark, let me explain that if you don't know someone well enough to talk about what you like/want/need/desire then you certainly don't know them well enough to DO these things with them.
Let me also say that BDSM is entirely different than "making love or having sex" from the vanilla point of view ... it is like learning this "birds and bees" stuff all over again... and that means from the dom/me's or the submissive's point of view. There are no "set standards" as to what is involved in BDSM (including D/s). There are as many "kinds" of relationships as there are people participating in some fashion. And limits vary as widely as the people and the individual relationships involved.
There is no "normal" BDSM (or D/s) relationship... but all should be based on Safe, Sane and Consensual. For some in this lifestyle/lovestyle bondage is all they are interested in and "sex" isn't part of what it is that they desire at all. For others, sexual activities are engaged in, with varying degrees of power exchange (or "control") being a part of the structure of the relationship.
Some folks want the stimulation of pain, some want to "give" pain to a willing partner and some don't. Also true is that some folks don't want "control" or power exchange to be a part of what they do; they are simply interested in the physical aspects and not the mental aspects... usually these people define themselves as "bottoms" and "tops" rather than master/slave or dom/me and sub.
Another thing that beginners don't usually realize is that limits can change over time. For instance, some folks have told me that they would enjoy a spanking but can't imagine feeling "real pain" from a whipping or paddling... that is more of a "degree" of pain. Spanking involves pain, but usually to a lesser degree than many other activities. Pain tolerance can be built up for some people and others are squicked (bothered in the extreme) by even the thought of pain.
This is a very diverse lifestyle, and in order to enjoy yourself, you have to extend yourself a bit... at least in the form of being totally honest, asking questions when you don't understand something, and talking and negotiating before trying out any kind of play. Ask plenty of questions before playing with someone... ask if they've done this activity or had RT experience with whatever it is you are considering. NO question is stupid unless you don't ask it. And never, EVER, pretend you understand something when you don't.
Be absolutely certain that your partner understands what the safewords will be and what exactly they mean; do not assume anything... take the time to discuss everything. Safewords are only as good as the trust you have in your partner; they are not some magic way of stopping something that you cannot deal with. And a note about a dom/me telling a submissive that *safewords are not necessary* (or some version of this statement): Do not even think about meeting someone who says something like this because they do not respect you, and they do not understand what this is about, namely: Safe, Sane and Consensual. A Dom/me, regardless of how experienced they *say* they are, should always abide by the safety precautions and limits of their partners... ALWAYS.
It is my feeling that the more you discuss and communicate with each other (and that means both parties talking and listening), the more chance of a successful scene/session and/or relationship there is.
Update for 2001: Every once in awhile, I re-read my older essays to see if my thoughts could be better expressed... or if I've had a change of mind or if I've learned something new about a subject. And, I have learned something new since this was written.
Some activities that I enjoyed with one BDSM partner I haven't enjoyed with another partner. My term for this is limits that are *partner specific.* I think this is important to keep in mind for beginners that are learning as well as those with experience (who should still be learning <wink>). This discovery came as a surprise to me and I am positive that I'm not the only slave to have that experience.
I want to stress that there are a lot of things that affect one's limits on a day-to-day basis--which will come as quite a surprise to the newcomer. Not feeling well, being over-tired, having a stressful time with work or family or friends... all of these things can affect one's pain tolerance. This is something that new dominants may not realize, and may get pretty annoyed with until they understand it. Another factor is hormones (this holds true for male or female) and all these things must be considered at the time of the session. It is absolutely necessary for both parties (dom and sub) to be totally open and honest about how they are feeling at the time of a scene and to be sure both are on the same page, physically and emotionally.
Another thing that I should have discussed in the original version of this article is about communicating a safeword when one is gagged and unable to speak coherently. In such case, a *safe gesture* can be used, such as dropping a ball that the dominant has placed in the submissive's hand, or a set of keys. I personally recommend something that makes noise when dropped (especially if the dominant is new), in case the dominant somehow misses the fact that the object was dropped. Merely relying on a different sort of muffled sound from the submissive is not safe for beginners and please keep this in mind.
At this point, I am going to stress the importance of getting a copy of Jay Wiseman's book: SM101, which discusses how to assess limits and how to play safely as well as a thousand other topics on the general subject of BDSM. There is no better book and it is one that you will refer to time and time again. You can find this book at most major bookstores (sometimes it will have to be special-ordered), or you can find it online at various vendors, such as amazon.com.
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